Learn how the analogy of a relationship bank account can help you determine reciprocal sharing of information and timing on increased intimacy. Greater balance can be created to reflect mutual respect and trust.
So if you see it, that when you have a relationship, you're putting in time, energy, money, conviction, support. And you're taking out, of course, you're letting the person down sometime, you have a sharp word, you let them down about an event you agreed to go to. All of this is the input of an investment and the output.
Now, when things are going badly, of course were starting to really overdraw, and then we'd get really into the red area where we're going to have to pay back a lot of interest. So see it in like this sort of analogy. Let me just give you some examples because this not only relates to intimate personal relationships, but our friendships, our everyday casual acquaintances.
Now imagine, for instance, you have a friend who's been away on a very exotic holiday and you bump into them after that month away, and you say to them, hi, how are you? Oh, great holiday. Wonderful. Hey, look, I'm going to tell you about something, and you start talking about something that's pretty general, not particularly top of your list in terms of priority or importance.
And that person's standing there thinking, I've just been on an exotic holiday and you haven't even asked me how it is. It's almost as if it's unbalanced somehow. The situation that presents itself needs more input. Hey, did you have a great holiday? Tell me about it. Why don't we get together and you give me some more information and show me the details.
However, imagine you see that person and you almost give them too much. You, Hey, this is fantastic about your holiday. Tell me about it. And every week you see them for the next month is, Hey, tell me about your holiday. It's almost unbalanced. And the person's thinking, well, haven't we talked about this already?
The first situation was where you didn't put enough credit into the bank, and the next time you almost putting too much, and it's getting unbalanced in terms of what the person feels is the response. So the level of engagement is inappropriate almost. Similar situation can happen. Imagine a time when you've made an arrangement with a friend to meet them going out on a Saturday night, but they don't actually turn up and it could just be even arranging to speak on the phone, but you had an arrangement.
Then you receive an email that says, I got really caught up on Tuesday.
And I was doing X, Y, and Z, and whenever that comes up, it has to be my priority. What is the problem there? They haven't referred to the fact they let you down. They didn't give you an excuse for that or apologize. We feel short changed. It's almost as if you put credit into the bank. They're starting to overdraw now.
However, if they said to you, Hey, I am so sorry. I couldn't make Tuesday and my phone had run out of juice, so I was unable to let you know. It's somehow balance is a recognition of the importance of that level of engagement and the fact that you're significant and they have respect for you. When it comes to relationships there's a lot of expectations. People have an assumption about what is the amount of effort, energy conversations to put in, and also what is being taken out. These beliefs about relationships that are a little bit different than friendships. We, cut our partners a little bit more Slack. They may sort of give us a brusque word or be rude to us and we might sort of get away with it for a while or apologize later. With a friend of course, we have to make more effort. There isn't such a mutual understanding that it's okay to push the boundaries a little bit. Depends on the relationships of course, but in the context of an intimate relationship, this is sort of, the relationship is held somehow and the understanding that we do show sides of ourselves to the other person.
Say for instance, there's been an infidelity or a huge disloyalty and then an expectation or agreed way of operating between the two of you. That's when there's enormous withdrawal from the relationship bank. It's heavily in the red, so to speak, and the other person that feels short changed or feel they've been affected unfairly by that feels a level of mistrust.
So the other person has to put a lot more credit in the bank. They have to go the extra mile to prove they can be trusted again. They have to make extra efforts to reduce the anxiety or the concerns of the other person. Of course, that can't get out of proportion if that goes on for too long, or the other person who feels they've been shortchanged uses that as a bit of a tool of manipulation, that's not going to work either.
So it's about trust. It's about relationships. But use that analogy because it's very powerful. So think about your own relationships as a relationship bank. If you keep withdrawing from that bank with a sharp word or lack of accommodation of the other person's needs, or thinking ahead for them, or thinking about yourself a little bit too much, start putting something back, trust, time, going the extra mile, doing something to surprise them, to bring that relationship back into savings and credit so that you can then mutually flow in and out of effort, time, resources and love.
Now, when things are going badly, of course were starting to really overdraw, and then we'd get really into the red area where we're going to have to pay back a lot of interest. So see it in like this sort of analogy. Let me just give you some examples because this not only relates to intimate personal relationships, but our friendships, our everyday casual acquaintances.
Now imagine, for instance, you have a friend who's been away on a very exotic holiday and you bump into them after that month away, and you say to them, hi, how are you? Oh, great holiday. Wonderful. Hey, look, I'm going to tell you about something, and you start talking about something that's pretty general, not particularly top of your list in terms of priority or importance.
And that person's standing there thinking, I've just been on an exotic holiday and you haven't even asked me how it is. It's almost as if it's unbalanced somehow. The situation that presents itself needs more input. Hey, did you have a great holiday? Tell me about it. Why don't we get together and you give me some more information and show me the details.
However, imagine you see that person and you almost give them too much. You, Hey, this is fantastic about your holiday. Tell me about it. And every week you see them for the next month is, Hey, tell me about your holiday. It's almost unbalanced. And the person's thinking, well, haven't we talked about this already?
The first situation was where you didn't put enough credit into the bank, and the next time you almost putting too much, and it's getting unbalanced in terms of what the person feels is the response. So the level of engagement is inappropriate almost. Similar situation can happen. Imagine a time when you've made an arrangement with a friend to meet them going out on a Saturday night, but they don't actually turn up and it could just be even arranging to speak on the phone, but you had an arrangement.
Then you receive an email that says, I got really caught up on Tuesday.
And I was doing X, Y, and Z, and whenever that comes up, it has to be my priority. What is the problem there? They haven't referred to the fact they let you down. They didn't give you an excuse for that or apologize. We feel short changed. It's almost as if you put credit into the bank. They're starting to overdraw now.
However, if they said to you, Hey, I am so sorry. I couldn't make Tuesday and my phone had run out of juice, so I was unable to let you know. It's somehow balance is a recognition of the importance of that level of engagement and the fact that you're significant and they have respect for you. When it comes to relationships there's a lot of expectations. People have an assumption about what is the amount of effort, energy conversations to put in, and also what is being taken out. These beliefs about relationships that are a little bit different than friendships. We, cut our partners a little bit more Slack. They may sort of give us a brusque word or be rude to us and we might sort of get away with it for a while or apologize later. With a friend of course, we have to make more effort. There isn't such a mutual understanding that it's okay to push the boundaries a little bit. Depends on the relationships of course, but in the context of an intimate relationship, this is sort of, the relationship is held somehow and the understanding that we do show sides of ourselves to the other person.
Say for instance, there's been an infidelity or a huge disloyalty and then an expectation or agreed way of operating between the two of you. That's when there's enormous withdrawal from the relationship bank. It's heavily in the red, so to speak, and the other person that feels short changed or feel they've been affected unfairly by that feels a level of mistrust.
So the other person has to put a lot more credit in the bank. They have to go the extra mile to prove they can be trusted again. They have to make extra efforts to reduce the anxiety or the concerns of the other person. Of course, that can't get out of proportion if that goes on for too long, or the other person who feels they've been shortchanged uses that as a bit of a tool of manipulation, that's not going to work either.
So it's about trust. It's about relationships. But use that analogy because it's very powerful. So think about your own relationships as a relationship bank. If you keep withdrawing from that bank with a sharp word or lack of accommodation of the other person's needs, or thinking ahead for them, or thinking about yourself a little bit too much, start putting something back, trust, time, going the extra mile, doing something to surprise them, to bring that relationship back into savings and credit so that you can then mutually flow in and out of effort, time, resources and love.